The art of co-regulation.
“Today was the absolute worst!" This might be a common thought running through our head, when we’ve perceived our day to be filled with highly stressful events. We feel lack of control, misunderstood or are thrown more curve balls than we can juggle. Check yourself. Is your heart racing? Are you shallow breathing? What's your body temperature? Hot, cold, sweating, trembling? A person becomes dysregulated when they have difficulty managing their emotional reactions, leading to a disproportionately intense reaction, with difficulty calming down. Much of the time, it’s not about the glass of water accidentally dumped over, spilling on the floor, but the fact earlier that day, you felt angry when you were passed over for a promotion, followed by a phone call that your child was in the principal’s office for swearing on the playground. Great, now you have to add another meeting to your already stressful day. It's all just too much. Ranting, screaming, kicking the wall; an individual may feel overwhelmed by intense emotions, leading to mood swings, impulsive behavior or outbursts that interfere with daily life. While the ability to self-regulate one’s own emotions and state of being, is a life-long process, co-regulation with another individual offers positive outcomes and can effectively teach another person how to self-regulate.
Co-regulation is a process between two people that aims to help manage immediate, in-the-moment emotions, which facilitates and cultivates self-regulation skills. This can be successfully achieved when one nervous system calms another nervous system producing a consistent cycle that is calming and provides emotional relief for both people involved. It is a vital process for maintaining emotional well-being in adults. By fostering, empathy, support and a sense of safety in relationships, adults can learn to effectively regulate their own emotions and enhance their overall well-being. Individuals impacted by complex trauma often struggle significantly with self-regulation throughout life. Whether attachment issues are surfacing, triggers activating the fight-or-flight, or feeling completely checked-out and numb, co-regulation with another individual can be highly mutually beneficial to both individuals.
High levels of stress can activate the stress response cycle, even when a threat is not life-threatening. Emotional dysregulation looks different for each individual. With adults, lashing out at others, numbing out, ruminating thoughts, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, perfectionism, anxiety, depression and disassociation are all signs of dysregulation. Co-Regulation can significantly lower stress and anxiety when a calm individual is mirroring calmness towards the agitated, dysregulated individual. Embodying a calm demeanor allows mirror neurons to activate. This facilitates and fosters an individual to regulate their own emotions.
Naming or labeling emotions offers empathy and support, as well as understanding. “I see you’re feeling really angry about that.” “It sounds as though you felt misunderstood with your co-worker.” Attuning to another individual’s tone of voice, behaviors (temper tantrums, yelling, etc.) and non-verbal communication becomes instrumental when assisting with co-regulation. Support and encouragement promotes emotional resilience and allows for greater mental flexibility. As an individual compounds positive co-regulating experiences, the degree to which you remain in a dysregulated state, shortens over time. This means instead of remaining angry, sad or withdrawn for hours, the amount of time your nervous system is dysregulated, eventually decreases, thereby positively impacting your resilience, grit and ability to find homeostasis once again. Co-Regulating with another individual facilitates secure attachment bonds, as they provide a safe and trusting environment for emotional sharing. Leaning into that established trust, while maintaining healthy boundaries positively impacts and lowers the stress response cycle in individuals.
Strategies for Co-Regulation in Adults:
- Using active listening and whole-body listening. Focus on what the other person is telling you. Put your phone down, stop scrolling on social media, make eye contact and face your body towards the other person. Pay attention to thoughts, feeling and non-verbal cues.
- Validate and show empathy towards the individual and what they are communicating. Try to refrain from judging or dismissal. Non-judgement opens up the trust and communication, without fear of criticism.
- Lowering your own pitch and rate in voice can drastically de-escalate a situation. Allowing healthy pauses before responding are additionally effective. Lowering your shoulders, getting down to their level eye-to-eye will promote mirroring as you embody the energy you’d want the dysregulated person you want to emulate.
- Using joint problem-solving skills allows for the individual to share perspective, thoughts and how a situation is impacting emotions. Occasionally black and white thinking can be a hindrance as a dysregulated person can only see “X or Y”. Using language of “X AND Y” can promote mental flexibility and facilitate autonomy.
- Physical touch is a wonderful way to co-regulate. A touch on the shoulder, hand-holding or cuddling is beneficial, however, a hug lasting more than ten seconds is a powerful co-regulating strategy. When a hug lasts more than 20 seconds, Oxytocin “the bonding hormone” is released, less cortisol is released and the heart and breathing rate slow; providing therapeutic benefits. If an individual allows touch, an effective exercise is to face one another, standing or seated. Extend your hand to place over the individual’s heart, while the other person does the same. Start to breath slowly, taking in slow breaths in through the nose and out through the nose. Aim for 30 seconds. This deep breathing synchronizes breath, thereby slowing the heart and breathing of a dysregulated individual.
- If this activity is out of the question, movement breaks: holding poses or engaging in simple movements (windmills, cross crawls, legs up the wall, hero pose) are highly beneficial. A simple walk around the block is another feasible and way to connect. Board and card games, listening to music together, or sharing a snack all have beneficial qualities, which impact the nervous system. An individual who is highly agitated or especially after a long crying spell, will most likely find themselves tired from all the excess energy spent when in the dysregulated state. In these types of situations, a nap can be quite soothing and regulating.
The main focus of any co-regulation activity is for the dysregulated individual to feel more in control of emotions and nervous system. When you learn to control your own emotions by embodying calm, you can offer the gift of your presence, insight and positive energy. For more information on how Quantum Neuro Reset Therapy can reset pathways in the brain and promote healthy emotional regulation, please watch the short video: